Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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