She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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