First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
