A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
