As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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