my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
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