so let's talk penis.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
