haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Terrible idea I love it
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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