mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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