All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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