I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
