Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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