my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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