i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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