Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
