OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
