So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
