I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
