Soap is not a condiment
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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