A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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