these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
