new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
