In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
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