u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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