how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
