mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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