Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
