At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
