he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
