im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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