she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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