Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
