God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
