Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
