1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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