he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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