I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
All the doctor said was why
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
