You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
