His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
