God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
