so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
