I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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