Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
