it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
