I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
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Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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