Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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