Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
