so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
