i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
