I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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