i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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