I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
