i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
