You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
