her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I didn't shave. On purpose
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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