who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
