And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
