we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
