life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
